My third blog in twice as many years shall serve not so much to silence the screaming in my head so much as to shed light on the peace, which I've discovered after a lot of thought, a few tears, and plenty of time.
I thought with age came wisdom, but in reality, with age comes two things, humility and questions. I probably have less of the former than I should, to fit the image that I see of myself inside my head, and I probably have too few of the latter, because we all think that we know what we need to know, at least for ourselves; people will make themselves feel safe and confident, even if they must delude themselves to believe it.
But I have more of both humility and questions than six years ago, so I guess I really am older, if not so much wiser. I'm neither safe nor confident, at least not in any significant sense. A dawning sense of vulnerability, and accepting my own vulnerability without hating myself for it, has been, so far, the major accomplishment of my adulthood. We as people tend to castigate weakness, and it's painful to dwell emotionally for any length of time in the cusp of disaster where life happens, where it's inevitable to confront that we're a step, a breath, a fall away from certain disaster. Maybe some people never grasp, let alone acknowledge, man's essential vulnerability. I wonder if those people are smarter or dumber than I. Perhaps life hasn't been as kind to them as it's been to me, in giving them chances to test their mettle and build a sense of personal fortitude.
We're not getting out of this alive, however we play it, so why play scared? Of course, there's a massive difference between courage and stupidity. Live with courage. Avoiding stupidity is just good sense.
